Tashi Armstrong
Retreat Facilitator
I moved to Karme Choling , a Buddhist Meditation Center under the direction of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, in 1984 at the age of 21 and began my formal training then.
I had an initial experience of "non reference point" at 17 during an Outward Bound Sailing Program in which I did a three day "solo" on an island in Penobscot Bay, Maine. I completely failed at the survival techniques that were taught during the program but wound up looking directly at my mind with no meditation background. When I came back I noticed a difference in my experience of reality which lasted for a couple of days. In that transition I was able to clearly recognize the vipashyana experience.
The basic set-up was that after two weeks sailing around Penobscot Bay in a coast guard life boat with 10 other people I was dropped on an island all alone. I had 10 matches, a coffee can for a stove and a blue tarp for a tent. I quickly used up my 10 matches trying and failing to get my stove lit. Then I just hung out trapped with a constant awareness of my mind's ramblings for three days. I had never been without some kind of entertainment to occupy my mind, but here I was trapped with myself at 17 years old. Later, doing solitary retreat, within the context of training with Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, was the same kind of experience.
The result of this three day "intentional stranding" was vipashyana -- "nonreference point" --experience. Vipashyana is a sanskrit term which is translated as "clear seeing." The Tibetan term is "Lakthong" the "th" is a hard t sound which is aspirated. This term describes the result of stripping one's experience of the obscuring effect of habitual, dualistic reference point. Going back to my childhood home in Brunswick, Maine with my parents felt weird in a particular way. This experience was unique, strange and fresh in a way I had never felt before but recognized immediately. Later on, as I entered into Dharma training, I began to understand this experience and how "non meditation" i.e. "touch and go training" reveals this essence of awareness as vipashyana. Being a yogin is all about this. I feel I was introduced to the nature of mind in a powerful way through this period of being alone on the island-- which was not pleasant in any way --and re-entering my old habituated life. That transition was important in what I would later understand as shamatha-vipashyana training. To be clear, this experience happens to everyone moment to moment. For some reason it made an impression on me. I probably would have forgotten it except that I met Trungpa Rinpoche and just his presence and profound teachings confirmed and reminded me of that earlier experience.
Later I recognized this same experience as being "engalloped" by Trungpa Rinpoche's mind-- the energy/atmosphere of our lineage.
I received empowerments and instruction from Trungpa Rinpoche and the Vajra Regent Osel Tendzin while in residence at Karme Choling from 1984-1987 and during the 1986 Vajradhatu Seminary at Rocky Mountain Dharma Center in Red Feather Lakes, Colorado.
At one point ,in particular, in a meeting with the Vajra Regent at Karme Choling in 1985, the Regent turned to me and said, "If you want to be my friend, remember your mind is unborn, unceasing and with a nature like the sky." This was a very direct transmission.
About a month earlier my girlfriend at the time had dumped me for one of my KCL friends while I was on solitary retreat. When I came back my whole world essentially fell apart. This was a common situation at KCL. Along with doing intensive practice each day we were also partying and hooking up during "days off" which happened every two weeks. It was a mandala ruled by vajra passion--which it still is. Vajra passion is actually one way to describe that energy/atmosphere of Trungpa Rinpoche's mind-- the essence of our lineage transmission. We were not monastics and were all very young. It was very uplifted but very passionate and it was easy to fall in love and subsequently have your heart broken.
In tantric practice one encounters a primordially wakeful energy in the emotions which short circuits the habitual mind. I certainly did not understand this at the time conceptually, but it was a perfect preparation for meeting the mind of the lineage-- which at that time and place was embodied and manifested brilliantly by the Vajra Regent. A perfect karmic situation-- maybe not so pleasant, but perfect-- perfectly hopeless.
"In the state of nonmeditation all phenomena subside in that great graveyard in which lie buried the complexities of samsara and nirvana. This is the universal ground of everything; it is the basis of freedom and also the basis of confusion. Within it ,the vajra anger, the flame of death, burns fiercely and consumes the fabric of dualistic thoughts. The black river of death, the vajra passion, turbulent with massive waves, destroys the raft of conceptualization to the roaring sound of the immeasurable void. The great poisonous wind of the vajra ignorance blows with all-pervading energy like an autumn storm and sweeps away all thoughts and possessiveness and self like a pile of dust." Sadhana of Mahamudra
To this day, thinking of this situation and these people is a transmission-- penetrating and alive-- bringing that same quality of energy/atmosphere that I recognize as Trungpa Rinpoche and the mind of our lineage. I will always be thankful. That is a "vajra sangha" thing which is still how this works for new students. Nowadays as an old person, 40 years later, I long for these people with all my heart--including my old girlfriend at the time and my old friend. They are the best people.
May we live in the Charnal Grounds together again! This goes out to Anne, Ciel, David, John, and Kier. Most of all, of course, to the Vajra Regent--my root guru-- the seeming author of such auspicious chaos.
I was stationed at Gade Gar as a Dorje Kasung during the preparation and parinirvana -cremation of Trungpa Rinpoche at Karme Choling. I was in residence at KCL at the time Rinpoche passed into parinirvana in Halifax and stayed throughout the entire preparation and cremation. I ,along with everyone there , received teachings from Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche after the cremation. I did guard shifts around the kudong in the main shrineroom that held Rinpoche's body and limousine pick-ups for visiting dignitaries. Dressed in our Town Uniform, which was a blue blazer with grey trousers, black shoes, white shirt and Dorje Kasung tie and lapel pin, we would drive to the local airport to ferry the various teachers and dignitaries who were arriving to attend the cremation. In particular, I remember driving for Eido Shimano Roshi. Just before I left to pick Roshi up, Eric Laufe ,a fellow Kasung buddy and long time resident and friend at KCL, made a sort of joke about how Roshi may be my next guru.
Roshi was dressed in very ornate formal robes when I picked him up at the small regional airport. He had met a beautiful young woman on the plane who was a student attending Dartmouth College. Roshi asked me to drop her off at her dorm before I brought him to KCL for the cremation. They chatted in the back seat of the Lincoln Town Car as I drove. Eido Shimano told the woman about Trungpa Rinpoche's parinirvana. I just remember him saying "It's very sad, very sad." After we dropped her off, we drove to Karme Choling in silence. I would glance in the rear view mirror occasionally. Roshi sat looking out the window with his mala repeating a mantra quietly.
Roshi could not stay long and he left shortly after the cremation ceremony. I heard later that he said that Trungpa Rinpoche had become a Kami-- a Shinto word which describes a type of spiritual energy. A similar word in Tibetan is drala.
Needless to say, we could all feel that energy in the atmosphere-- it was all-pervasive at that time.
I don't recall how long Rinpoche's body remained packed in salt in the ornate box in the center of the shrinehall at Karme Choling. It most have been a full month while arrangements were made to accommodate all of the people who were coming. All the great Buddhist masters were coming. Every evening the senior Dapons of the Kusung-- the personnal attendants of Trungpa Rinpoche --would bring the kudong up into the attic above the shrine room and put fresh salt in with Rinpoche's body to keep it from rotting. I had been around Rinpoche at seminary and at seminars and retreats-- his presence was incredible. During this time, that energy was intense and it was everywhere!
I invited my mother, father and older sisters to come to the parirvana. My mother was the only one who made it. It had a profound effect on her.
I was on guard duty and crowd control in the upper meadow where the cremation was held. There were a lot of people. All the great masters of the Kagyu and Nyingma lineages were in attendance performing sadhanas and fire puja.
As the mist burned off the sun blazed down on us. The sky was a clear, deep blue with no clouds. As Rinpoche's body was consumed by the fire rainbows formed around the sun. A giant purple cloud formed over the fire and slowly and majestically floated over the valley. It looked like a giant phurba or ritual dagger. Two very large birds were flying in the sky.
I saw all of this with my own eyes.
Everyone was watching in amazement. After this, the ceremony slowly concluded. All those blessings that had been there while we had Rinpoche in his form seemed to have gone. It was like a cork on a champagne bottle popping out and all the contents flying away. I don't remember what I did after the cremation but later in the evening I found myself up in the meadow at the cremation ground. It felt like a scene out of Macbeth with the witches. There was an old, crazy woman crying and saying prayers and people standing and milling about in the darkness. There was still the smell of smoke in the air and a wild wrathful energy. It was a very dark night and the wind was whipping around. It felt completely desolate and groundless.
I found a charred bone in the grass and picked it up. Later someone told me it was probably a bone from the body of the Karme Choling dog--Houdini-- who had been cremated in the same area a few months before. Some of you may be familiar with the Buddhist story of the dog's tooth. That is what it reminds me of now. I thought it was one of Rinpoche's relics at the time. Who knows? I have no idea where that charred bone is now. I think I eventually threw it out into the meadow, momentarily believing it was just a dog's tooth and not a sacred relic.
Somewhere around this time I became quite ill with all sorts of physical and mental ailments. There were a number of students of Trungpa Rinpoche who experienced illnesses at this time--particularly deep depression. Several people in this sangha have committed suicide. Illness like this is generally considered to be the ripening of past karma. That does not mean that saying more mantras will necessarily help. It is important to work with the relative reality of sickness by visiting your doctor.
This was a very powerful time surrounded by the vajra sangha and I was very lucky to be there the entire time. It was a time of incredible blessings. From my introduction to Trungpa Rinpoche's mandala in 1984 I was drawn to and competely irradiated by these blessings. Traditionally it is taught that when a great master dies it is like the string on your mala breaking-- all the beads fly all over the place. That is why wherever we are we can connect with the Vidyadhara's mind.
I have lived continuously within Trungpa Rinpoche’s mandala from my early days at Karme Choling and at the major metropolitan centers of that mandala, including Boulder, Colorado and Halifax, Nova Scotia. I volunteered to staff the 1992 Seminary as a cook at Rocky Mountain Dharma Center in Red Feather Lakes, Colorado. Once I felt the mind of this lineage, that was all I wanted. It is still like this. May I never forget the blessings of this lineage!
I have received the abhisekas of Vajrayogini and Chakrasamvara from Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche and the lung for the Sadhana of Guru Padmasambhava from Trime Lhawang, Patrick Sweeney. I have also recieved numerous transmissions and teachings from Kalu Rinpoche, Jamgon Kongtrul Rinpoche, Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche, Phakchok Rinpoche, Chokyi Nyima Rinpoche, Chokling Rinpoche and others always during large events and teachings with these great masters.
In 1994 I returned to my home in Maine because of ill health. Shortly after my return my father became ill with Lou Gehrig's disease. I was able to spend time with him while he declined in health. After his death I attempted to run his business-- the New Meadows Inn, which was a famous restaurant in our locale. I was the third generation after my father and his father to run the restaurant and all the family karma at the time was pushing me to take it on. This was quite strange because while my father lay dying on a medical recliner in the living room of my childhood home I was filled with revulsion for the futility of samsara and applying for three year retreat. My background as an English Major studying post-modernist poetry and Tibetan Buddhism was not the best training for a prospective Restaurant manager and the restaurant went out of business after 9 years of my "management". Auspicious-- but very painful.
Due to the generosity of my mother, and my wife's sister and her husband we were able to purchase the small cottage rental business which had been connected to my family's restaurant. Without their kindness we would never have been able to afford this property. Over the years we winterized and updated these cottages--turning them into a year round business which provided the steady income necessary to sustain a dedicated Dharma Center and to raise our two children.
In 2006 I established the Dzogchen Meditation Center/ Surmang Kagyu Retreat Center which is dedicated to engaging the pith teachings of the Vidyadhara Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, Osel Tendzin, Jamgon Kongtrul and Khenpo Gangshar Wangpo within a retreat setting. By that time, many of the institutions that had supported me in my training had changed beyond recognition. It was no longer possible to live in a residential dharma center in our practice lineage and train and study as a community. The whole idea of opening Dzogchen Meditation Center was to create a situation where people could train in this way. That continues to be the mission of this center and my inspiration to this day.
I was introduced to Lotsawa Eric Pema Kunsang's translations in 1990 with the publication of "Crystal Cave." His translations actually convey the "blessings", or Jinlap of the pith instructions of the great masters of the practice lineage. This is the mark of a "Lotsawa". These teachings helped give me a deeper understanding of the powerful, direct experiences I had with my root gurus the Vajra Regent and Trungpa Rinpoche. Along with 12 other participants I attended a 35 day Trinley Nyingpo retreat with Eric and his wife Tara at Gomde Denmark in 2008. They are lovely people. Eric and Tara are so down to earth and yet their teachings are profound. They were both very kind to me. I will always be grateful and hope to see them again.
I am not a Lama nor a particularly special person at all. I seem to be very lucky in my encounter with this lineage. My job here is simply to create a practice container in which people can enter authentic training in this particular lineage and in that way I can hopefully be helpful.
I do not give formal transmissions to students--I am not authorized in any way to do that--but will happily recommend authentic Lamas who work within this lineage.
People who engage training here at DMC enter an auspicious situation which will confound every idea they might have about a "spiritual life." What is practiced here is real life-- which happens to be ordinary magic. Despite our best or worst intentions we end up in no man's land with the rug pulled out from under us. It is the same situation for me every time it happens! I am not by any means some kind of spiritual master who floats above the painful vissitudes of life. If I have learned anything it is how to suffer properly and not run away too quickly!
Rinpoche called this "holding one's seat." That is what residents and retreatants find here.
I began studying kyudo --the contemplative art of zen archery-- in 1987 with Shibata Kanjuro Sensei within the mandala of Trungpa Rinpoche. I lived at Sensei's house in Boulder, Colorado for six months in 1994 helping with Sunday classes at the dojo and was an assistant instructor at many of the kyudo retreats held around the country. I hosted Sensei here in Maine for a kyudo program at our propert in 2000. That year Shibata Sensei made me an instructor in the Heki Ryu Bisshu Chikurin-ha school of Japanese Archery. I am no longer an active member of Zenko International but I teach what Shibata Sensei called "mind Kyudo" through annual retreats and personal instruction at Dzogchen Meditation Center.
In the past few years I have had the good fortune to meet Yeshe Tonpa, H.H. Seonaidh John Perks, the lineage-holder of Celtic Buddhism and Admiral of the Purnachandra division of the Dorje Kasung. I have served under him as Commodore in the Purnachandra and have benefited greatly from his teachings and kindness. Admiral Perks was Trungpa Rinpoche's butler and kusung. His writings on his time with his guru manifest that same energy that I have talked about here. That is what we call "transmission." A person who transmits this energy is a lineage holder. There should be no doubt about this.
When not helping to facilitate retreats at DMC, I work as a carpenter/handyman. I co-manage a small hotel adjacent to the meditation center with my wife, Susan,who also was a direct student of Trungpa Rinpoche and the Vajra Regent. We met at Karme Choling while she was on staff there in the 1990's.
We are nakpas or householder yogins. We have two grown children.
Between Two Places
I will meet you between
Here and there
but please remember
It might be different than you think
--Let's Go!
Rest your mind on the outbreath.
Cultivate bliss, clarity and nonthought as synchronized body, speech and mind.
We should go on a road trip.
Sleep in my car-- homeless.
Feel the edge of loneliness, boredom,
and hopelessness.
This is not a self-improvement project.
When I walk into Dunkin Donuts to pick up my coffee from Jasmin
Do I see her qualities
As they are?
This is Sacred world
-- the only one--
Proven at the nadir of this
right here.
Me and Jasmin.
Thank you. Have a nice day.
Written by an orphan son of the authentic lineage wandering alone in the Charnal Ground of Dunkin Donuts.
Birth mother and father
turned to dust
I am alone
wandering in the mountains
making friends with the strangers
I meet
bounded by the boundless
I see the light
in your eyes
.